Maintenance

spot #2

NEW YORK, NY; 2005

We can have a chapter called maintenance....

main-te-nance (P) Pronunciation Key

1. The act of maintaining or the state of being maintained.

2. The work of keeping something in proper condition; upkeep

3. The work girls go through for a guy....

...definition #3, what girls go through for guys, i.e; work out until we have killer abs or headaches, [either or can be a new feeling...good or bad], straighten our hair until it burns, groom ourselves (manicures, pedicures, waxing, Botox).......wait by the phone because that ONE fricken phone call can make or break your day. Or we leave our phones at the apartment while at the gym to hope that the guy does call, and doesn't, and when guys come over we make sure to clean the apartment in a matter of 27 minutes because that’s how long it takes him to come over to your apartment from midtown in a cab on a random Thursday night at 11:30pm. And when girls do or don't have boyfriends there's always that one guy [or three] who say, "you're so beautiful, why don't you have a boyfriend.....", then the girl says, "I don’t know, good question....im so pretty, im so funny im sooo blah blah blah" and then the guy puts in time to talk to this girl only because he wants to go home with her and have sex. And we always, ALWAYS over think situations because we're so used to the excuses, very jaded, and we've read the books...the rules, he's just not that into you, bridezillas. And all we want is good hair, a husband, 2.5 kids and a range rover; is that so hard to ask! And we all sit in our tiny little apartments, the size of a shoe box [or dollhouse, as I like to call it], and wait patiently for prince charming to knock down our door and say, "hiiloveyousomuchmarrymenowplease" [in one breath] and nope, never happens.

Ok, so that never happens, whatever.....it only happens in the movies, blah blah blah....

Did you ever think that maybe producers and writers make love story movies because they know that America is missing the main ingredient of love? For example, take the french. They’re always kissing, snuggling, taking trips together half naked on their Vespa’s....

Ooh, I want a Vespa....

Seriously though, you never hear about real true love. Yes, we all read about Hollywood love stories, but in reality we’re not B list celebrities who get knocked up by Tom Cruise or 5'4" gorgeous, A-list women with bee-sting lips half semi married to Brad Pitt, even if it hasn’t been legalized [yet].

When I was in the 8^th grade, a movie about a clueless girl and her friends came out and let me just tell you....it was my favorite movie.....still is, and I’m way past the age of 14. Although the movie was about an amazing girl, I really think the movie should have been about how clueless guys are. Do they even know we exist? Sure they do...but not the ones we’re interested in.

In New York, there are many stereotypes that I’ve seen happen and made into reality. First there’s the “hoot and holler guy”, who usually works construction, and yells things out to you [only when he’s with his other construction buddies]. He might say, “hey beautiful!!” or “nice legs!!” And you don’t turn around because that will just make you feel like an ass....even though you do want to acknowledge the fact that yes; you are beautiful, with great legs. Then there’s that guy who is too short for his ego and whispers things to you in the air while you pass him on the sidewalk. I once had a guy whisper, “I have weed, you’re sexy, I love you, nice hair...” The only thing I thought after he passed was ‘does he have multiple personalities?’ My favorite stereotype in the city is those random boys who write you emails about themselves and describe the ‘perfect’ woman they’re looking for. This one guy wrote me an email, based on my AOL profile, which by the way is totally small. How can one guy find so much in that sort of listing 200 words or less? I definitely thought I was worth way more words than 200. After the little AOL voice said, “You’ve Got Mail”, which by the way on my computer is Sarah Jessica Parker instead of the annoying man voice, I proceeded to open my mailbox and this is what I found:

Hi *smiles* my name is (Pause; let’s call this guy Mr. Maple; continue), I'm writing because my

curiosity was piqued by your profile and was wondering if perhaps we could get to know each other a bit. *politely* Now, before I go on, I have only one thing to ask of you. Please just give this note one full read before you decide whether or not to respond? (Pause; I’m guessing I’m not the first one he’s ‘targeted’; continue) *VERY politely* hopefully you are still with me *smiles* to start, I'm a 32 year old CPA (certified public accountant) (Pause; UM, duh! I know what a CPA is, I wasn’t born yesterday!!! Continue) from Vermont. (Pause; hence, Mr. Maple; continue). And, well, this online thing is a bit of a journey for me. That is, I am on a "quest for true love", which is why I am searching beyond my "local area". I realize that brings up the distance question, too. I realize you may not feel the same as me, but I see that as something which can be overcome *politely* Now, on to the fun stuff *laughs*. I suppose you might be interested in what I look like. (Pause; Ah, duh! Just because you’re a ‘CPA’ doesn’t make you hot…continueeeee…) I do have pictures available to send, but for now let me tell you that I stand approx. 6'1" at about 220lbs. I have a broad athletic build (like a linebacker, but with a neck *laughs*). Additionally, I am in the process of making several "self-improvements", including working on getting myself in the best shape of my life. I also had Lasik back in January and no longer require glasses!! *BIG smiles* But I want to stress, I am doing these things for me, not to "make myself more attractive" *sincerely* I say that because the best part of me is one which cannot be seen in a picture.It is my heart. So, I am the youngest of 7, and a VERY proud uncle of 18!! *BIG smiles* I have an awesome family and incredible friends. Like I said above, I've been extremely fortunate in my life. I consider myself so fortunate, so blessed, to have the family and friends that I do. At the center of my heart, are my nieces and nephews. Nothing, and I mean nothing, makes me feel warmer inside, or more happy, then seeing them. To enter their house and literally have all of them stop what they are doing and come to spend some time with me... I don't know, it just makes me feel good, even though I know I don't deserve it... To see one of them smile or hear them laugh... It just simply makes me smile. What I am looking for in true love is, well, these same things except infinitely stronger with that one girl... For a job. Hmmm. Well, I do two things... (Pause; WHAT?!?! You JUST said you were a CPA, and now you’re saying you have two jobs, one of which is on the side? Ugh, continue…) I work for a management company where we provide management, financial and consulting services to subsidiaries of large corporations. In addition to that, I am in the process of building a little CPA practice (financial, tax, business consulting) "on the side". I love both! Well, what else? Oh, in case you hadn't figured it out, I am a hopeless romantic and do believe in true love, though not the "fairy tale" kind. I believe in REAL true love. The kind where toilet seats get left up and dishes aren't always put away. The kind where life isn't "perfect", but where two people are perfect for each other. I want to find that love where I wake up in the morning next her as she sleeps, no makeup, messed up hair, etc. and just smile. Knowing I'm the luckiest guy in the world! *sincerely* I probably shouldn't get started, because I could go for hours on this topic *blushes*. Other things about me? Well, since my profile is "hidden" (and shall stay so); (Pause; Dude. Not fair – you can’t just troll around and find random AOL profiles and have yours be ‘hidden’. What else are you ‘hiding’? Continue…) thought maybe I should tell you a little about me. The best way to descriptive myself is as a contradiction in terms. That is, as I noted above, I am a true hopeless romantic and believe in true love. But, I also have THE most active libido in the world! (Pause; I think I just threw up in my mouth – water please. Sorry, continue…) (Though it is only shared when my heart is "in it completely") I love to be active (sports, etc.) and could be found driving in the winning run on my softball team or heating the game winner at the buzzer. But you could also find me sitting quietly in a coffee shop reading philosophy *sincerely* I can, and would, defend your honor, but I'm not afraid of sappy movies or even crying at them! *smiles* I am far from perfect, but try to be the best I can for the one I love. Hmmm. On one hand, I don't know what more to right. On the other hand, what I've written to introduce myself only scratches the surface. When it all comes down to it, I'm just a decent guy with a (hopefully) pretty good heart who wants to find the woman that I can keep happy (and vice versa) for the rest of our lives. I guess I'm hoping that, maybe, just maybe, this note has piqued your curiosity enough to take a chance and get to know me a little and let me know a little about you *sincerely* So, with that, I will thank you for reading this and I look forward to hearing from you soon *smiles*

Mr. Maple

PS- I hope I didn't bore you too much *laughs, teasing*

Still gagging…sorry, give me a minute. That was the longest email I’ve ever read about someone trying to sell themselves to a profile. Now, seriously, not to be a trader to my generation and all, but who the hell writes little expressions in stars, none the less? I’m sure this guy is really sweet [in Vermont], but in my co-existing life right now, I wasn’t willing to do the ‘long distance relationship’, especially with someone who only had up to 200 words…and no photo.